Craig Ross in his book The Dirty Little Secret: Uncovering the Truth Behind Porn
This man is scared of getting caught. He says that he would stop if “I had one person to confide in, this would all stop tomorrow. I know it because I don’t want to do this. I have kids now. I have a ministry. I have people who look up to me, and I feel like they don’t know me. Sin has controlled me and it sucks.”
Gross asks why doesn’t this man tell someone? “Fear. Disappointment. Consequences. Failure. And it would mean he would have to stop.”
This man isn’t alone. Unfortunately the church, by and large, hasn’t helped. Gross goes on to write:
Christians and religious establishments send a cold message to sexual addicts. Sexual addicts are left with the options of accepting their behaviors and facing the emptiness or dealing with being pegged as a freak. From the point of view of a sexual addict, they only see judgment and harsh punishments when confronted with the options of confessing everything and changing. They fear being ostracized – like once they come clean, they need to knock on their neighbors’ doors or get up in front of a congregation and admit they look at porn and be forever branded a sexual deviant.
What has happened to grace?
What HAS happened to grace? For instance, is it appropriate to fire pastors and youth pastors when they confess to looking at pornography as some churches have done? Does that help or hurt? Would we treat other types of sin this way?
I’d love to read your thoughts.
Shane Vander Hart
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Chicken and egg thing here Shane.. pastors (an others) who are vulnerable and transparent protect themselves from getting entangled in sin.
I'd be interested in hearing what you deem reasonable discipline for a first time pastor offender that works with young people.
I was talking about two different people in this post. The first guy mentioned was someone who was a sex addict and his dismissal would be appropriate.
The questions and the quote from the book was dealing with how we handle the problem from the get go – had this person early on before it became such a problem had a safe environment to seek help would that have made a difference?
I think so. I don't mean to trivialize it, and I'm not saying don't provide accountability but if the knee jerk reaction is to fire a person who is looking at pornography w/o it progressing to soliciting sex online or going to strip clubs, etc – pastors who are struggling will be less apt to come clean.
There, of course, are all sorts of variables – is the person repentant, etc. Did they confess or did they lie and then caught later on? Etc. There are ways to provide discipline & accountability without resorting to dismissal (accountability groups, required counseling, elders check history on computer in church, install software on all computers, etc.).
There needs to be grace shown, and to treat somebody who has looked at porn and confessed the same way we'd treat a pastor who committed adultery would be inappropriate.
Even if that pastor ends up being dismissed – discipline should still be restorative. How are they seeking to care for that pastor or has he and his family been shunned by the church? Are they helping him find gainful employment so that he can provide for his family?
Thx Shane.. I agree with your perspective.. thx for giving more detail. There are great stories out there.. know of one where the porn-viewing offending youth pastor was demoted to janitor and spent a few years being restored. He was a great example of humility and was restored to full pastoral ministry.
Bob, you are implying, albeit unintentionally I'm sure, that somebody who has looked at pornography is automatically a potential pedophile.
That person shouldn't be treated any differently than a pastor who doesn't. Unless they are looking at child pornography, and that is a whole different deal since it is a criminal offense, and obviously would lead to pedophilia.
Minus the above, if they are repentant – counseling, accountability partner, a program like Covenant Eyes on their home and work computers, submit to random history check (especially on mobile device if they have them).
If they can't agree to that, then I would doubt true repentance and I think they then open themselves up to dismissal.
Everybody sins Bob.
By young people I meant teens.. and I was thinking about 2 youth pastors who got involved with young girls.. I met one of them as I ministered at a prison.. he was an inmate doing 5 years for the relationship with that teen girl. The other pastor lost his job after a year of probation.. it broke my heart to see him lose his job.
Sorry if I have come across as judgmental Shane.. didn't mean to do so.. maybe we can discuss some other time.
You're ok Bob.
I figured that is what you meant. There's more going on there than just porn – like improper boundaries with opposite sex students.
I was just saying because a youth pastor looks at porn doesn't mean he's going to have an improper relationship with a girl in his youth group. So at the front end of discovering a youth pastor has looked at porn he shouldn't be treated as though he's a sex offender.
If he crossed that line, well being fired from his position is the least of his problems.
I just did an interview with a pastor who confessed his struggle to his whole church. They were very receptive to him and showed a lot of grace. Granted, he also confess to his wife and close accountability partners first, and they helped him gain a measure of victory over the underlying sins that fed his addiction. But I found the whole story very inspiring altogether – http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/04/17/cov…
I also have a 5-part interview with a worship pastor and his wife about his porn addiction and case of adultery. Very interesting story: http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/05/26/pod…
Thanks for sharing Luke!