Ten reasons given by John Mark Reynolds, and being a Calvinist I found it quite funny.  But then again, I’m the cool kind, not the dour straw man stereotype he pokes fun at.

You should be cheerful if you are a Calvinist:

I. . . . because God may not have chosen you for the team, but He did choose Al Mohler and John Piper and both guys are smarter individually than John Spong and the whole Anglican communion collectively . . . at least since the death of C.S. Lewis taken by God in the knowledge that John Piper and Al Mohler were on the horizon.

II . . . because Calvinists no longer have to ban Christmas.

III . . .because Oliver Cromwell is still dead, but the Second Coming is one day closer.

IV . . . because the Pythons had heard of the Inquisition but ignored Servetus.

V. . . because you need only memorize TULIP and not something like POINSETTIA.

VI . . . given her birthplace, there is a better than a fifty percent chance the Swiss Miss is a Calvinist.

VII . . . because you can have alcohol in your wassail and smoke cigars while reading Edwards.

VIII . . . because Wesleyan-types take the risks and make the converts, but when the converts hit middle-age Calvinists acquire them and their tithe.

IX . . . Rembrandt was Calvinist and El Greco wasn’t.

X . . . Francis Schaeffer may have worn knickers, but he never dressed like Benny Hinn.

BONUS for Sober Jollification:

Discussion of “Total Depravity” might attract non-Christians confused about content to Wednesday service.

Doubly Predestined BONUS:

Calvinists venerate no saints thus avoiding any icons of John Knox. No future Calvinist can preach a sermon more dour than this one.

Ah yes, number seven is my favorite… maybe it’s because you need a little alcohol in your wassail to read Edwards?  (Just kidding).

3 comments
  1. Cool Calvinist? Come on, that’s about as likely as double-predestination being an accurate reading of Romans 8. Everyone knows that all the cool kids are Lutheran! 😉 Great blog, I enjoy it much – but no one self-deprecates like us. Just google ‘church basement ladies…’

    1. @Luke Timm, Only because you can drink beer and not feel guilty about it ;).

      You do have awesome potlucks though, church basement ladies are awesome.

      Hey I’d love to have coffee with you sometime and talk to you about my full-time passion (and it isn’t this blog).

      1. @Shane Vander Hart, Well, as long as you promise not to debate on just how ‘present’ the caffeine in the coffee is…
        Brother, I’d LOVE to talk! I’m new to the area and I’m eager to join the conversation. I’d love to hear about your full-time passion, which I assume is drinking beer and feeling guilty about it. Check the website for my e-mail – clivechurch.com I look forward to hearing from you! PEACE IN CHRIST!
        Luke

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