You should be cheerful if you are a Calvinist:
I. . . . because God may not have chosen you for the team, but He did choose Al Mohler and John Piper and both guys are smarter individually than John Spong and the whole Anglican communion collectively . . . at least since the death of C.S. Lewis taken by God in the knowledge that John Piper and Al Mohler were on the horizon.
II . . . because Calvinists no longer have to ban Christmas.
III . . .because Oliver Cromwell is still dead, but the Second Coming is one day closer.
V. . . because you need only memorize TULIP and not something like POINSETTIA.
VI . . . given her birthplace, there is a better than a fifty percent chance the Swiss Miss is a Calvinist.
VII . . . because you can have alcohol in your wassail and smoke cigars while reading Edwards.
VIII . . . because Wesleyan-types take the risks and make the converts, but when the converts hit middle-age Calvinists acquire them and their tithe.
X . . . Francis Schaeffer may have worn knickers, but he never dressed like Benny Hinn.
BONUS for Sober Jollification:
Discussion of “Total Depravity” might attract non-Christians confused about content to Wednesday service.
Doubly Predestined BONUS:
Ah yes, number seven is my favorite… maybe it’s because you need a little alcohol in your wassail to read Edwards? (Just kidding).