Moderator: Welcome to the Coe College Gubernatorial Debate. Opening jabs, gentlemen.
Chet Culver: Coe College is the best college in Iowa, except for the others.
Terry Branstad: President what’s-his-name is best college president ever.
Culver: Cedar Rapids has the best mayor in the Northern Hemisphere.
Culver: Iowa was the 3rd best managed state in the US yesterday.
Branstad: Was not!
Culver: Was too!
Moderator: Will you raise taxes or lower taxes?
Culver: No, you won’t. (I was the 3rd best manager in the state somebody told me yesterday)
Branstad: Yes, I will. I’ll lower unemployment, too.
Culver: You didn’t before.
Branstad: No, you didn’t.
Culver: I didn’t say you did. I am for hard-working Iowans.
Branstad: You didn’t say you didn’t either.
Branstad: Unemployment went down when I was governor.
Culver: I created more jobs for hard-working Iowans and Illinoisans and West Virginians, the three best states in the Union so far.
Branstad: Government doesn’t create jobs for hard-working Iowans. You didn’t either, except for the Illinois part.
Culver: Did too.
Branstad: Did not.
Culver: Uh, Huh!
Branstad: Huh, Uh!
Moderator: Where do you stand on gay marriage and Supreme Court Justices?
Culver: I don’t think they should but I won’t do anything to stop them.
Branstad: I’ll work as hard to stop this as I did to stop gambling when I was governor, which is to say…
Culver: When did you stop gambling?
Branstad: I quit about the third year into my first term.
Moderator: Where will you spend more money?
Culver: In Cedar Rapids, I’ll spend money for big business, little business, like nobody’s business. And wherever the next debate is held, I’ll spend money there, too.
Bransad: Oh! I will spend more money than Chet and less of the taxpayer’s hard-earned money. And I’ll squeeze more kids into 4-year old pre-schools. If you can’t afford it, I’ll pay for it, or will figure out a way to have hard-working Iowans pay for it.
Culver: I’ll pay for yours even if you can afford it, so there! And I’ll help the flood victims.
Audience: We don’t want your flood money.
Moderator: Need I remind the audience to remain calm?
Half the Audience: They did it! We want the flood money.
The Other Half: Do not!
Moderator: Last question, who will spend more money if elected?
Culver: I will, I mean he will.
Branstad: What do you mean? I not only spend less, I spend it faster.
Culver: That makes about as much sense as spending 8.5 million for whatever it is you want to spend it on?
Moderator: Rebuttal, Mr. Branstad?
Branstad: Don’t need one.
Moderator: Next to the last question. Governor Culver what will you do with people dying daily of the Bubonic plague in the streets of Cedar Rapids? Are you going to spend more money to put blueberries in every dorm room of Coe College?
Culver: I don’t want to answer those equally important questions; I want him to respond to my accusation, first, then we’ll talk about giving raspberries to the students of Coe.
Moderator: He doesn’t want to. Well, we have to go now.
Branstad: Do, too. Good Night, Chet.
Culver: Do not. Good night, David. (Culver whispers “Do not”, as he walks off stage).
David is currently an adjunct instructor of Composition and Speech at Marshalltown Community College in Iowa. His wife and he have also owned a business selling antique and collectible postcards on eBay since 1999. David was an activist with Operation Rescue in the early 1990s. He is a member of Trinity Presbyterian Reformed Church in Johnston, Iowa.
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