My co-worker Mary emailed the following church bulletin/pulpit announcements to me (this has been making the rounds), and they were too funny not to share.  For the record, my position on church bulletins, less is more, so I prefer announcements to be kept to a minimum.  Presenting evidence for my position are announcements that have been placed in church bulletins and/or announced from the pulpit (not big on announcements during worship services either).

  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight:’Searching  for Jesus.’
  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
  • Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I Will Not Pass This Way Again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy.’
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – Prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
    They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday, ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours!
4 comments
  1. Shane,
    As a church secretary I have to say too funny! This might have to go into the newsletter next month. I wouldn't want to put it in the bulletin and upstage the pastor or anything :)!
    Eileen

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